[Heavy Sigh] From My Heavy Heart

Three weeks--to the day--after we buried my aunt Irene, I got a phone call early in the morning that my Uncle John had passed away overnight. Two weeks prior he had been given a prognosis of two months, but the day before he passed the hospice nurse estimated that he had only 24-36 hours left. Those of us who could, went.

So fast, we all said. So much loss. Donna, Ciocia, now Stryjek. So devastating. I'm so glad I got to say goodbye, I thought.

Over the next several days as we mourned together and consoled each other, I talked about the couple of hours I was able to share with my uncle and members of my family the night before he passed. They were two of the saddest, most heartwrenching hours of my life: crying with his grandchildren, praying as my aunt told him it was okay to let go, seeing my Dad kiss his younger brother goodbye.  "Dobra noc, Janek," he said. Goodnight, John. Yet I also knew there was something inherently blessed and wonderful about those hours, about being a part of a family that shares and loves one another so much.

I try to to hold onto that as I go through my days lately, as I try to move forward and be positive in the face of all this loss and sadness. We have each other, I think. I have an amazing family. 

And then, Please let us be done. No one else. Please. 

PWOKs

When I was in my twenties, and teaching wellness and balance to college students, I was much better at maintaining balance myself. But it seems these past few years I have gotten way out of whack. These days my wellness wheel couldn’t make it an inch down the street. There is nothing rounded or balanced about it most days.

So I’ve been giving that some thought lately, especially after starting back at school, at this job we are so privileged and honored to have (more on that in another post). And though not an epiphany of Oprah proportions, it occurred to me that PWOKS (People without Kids) like me probably have a harder time finding it. Balance, that is.

Parents have built in shut-off valves to get them away from their jobs and thinking about their jobs: their kids. And their kids' schedules. Without a daughter to pick up at piano lessons at 5 and dinner to get on the table by 6 so a son can make it to karate at 7 on time, it seems to me the stress of work can settle in and fill up the rest of your day.

And yes, I totally understand that parents would gladly give over their shuttling duties sometimes for a little peace and quiet and alone time….but my point is that alone time is not always peaceful for some PWOKs like me. And Amy. And Deanna.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go and have myself a kid. And I’m probably not going to offer to pick your kids up from practice, but I am going to attempt a little more balance, to try to do a couple things not related to school—or Zynga or watching politics on TV—every day. (Resume writing? Definitely allowed.)

This should be fun.

Crockpot Challenge

Early in the summer I decided to challenge myself to use my Crock Pot this summer--twice. I could make a recipe I know to be good, but one of them had to be something new.

I had heard a Food Network Star talk about the Crock Pot being an underused tool in the summer, and thought hmmm, that makes sense to me. Generally associated with roasts and comfort food, and relegated to fall and winter (guilty), it cooks without heating up the kitchen--a bonus in summer. And just as coming home to a roast dinner after school/work in the winter delights the senses, coming home to a meal after a day at the beach or the pool rocks. Right? Only thing between you and dinner is a shower. Maybe a fresh roll. No sweating over a stove or grill. Works for me.

Well, I got right on my self-imposed challenge and tried a new recipe. I made buffalo chicken and was happy with the results. So were Liz, Jim, Deanna, and Chris who all got a sample. (Unfortunately it didn't really photograph well.)

And then the summer got away from me. Fortunately, I am my mother's daughter and had a 3 pound shoulder roast in the freezer. (Get this: it was on sale for 1.99/pound, and had a $2 off sticker on it because it was the end of the sale week, so I only paid $4.63 for it!) Aware that I had not met my Crock Pot challenge and had only this weekend left to do so, I took the roast out to thaw earlier this week.

As I write, I'm less than eight hours away from a bbq pulled pork sandwich. So I'm off to the store for some fresh rolls and cole slaw and then headed to the pool with my hilarious book.

Challenge complete.

last time it looked like this

Big Yawn

I had every intention of heading out to the pool after school today, but when I got in (after hearing other people's children (OPC) at the pool) and was faced with the choice of my super soft and cool tank jammie dress (read: modern house dress) and my spandex bathing suit that would be a challenge to put on  yank up my sweaty body, I went with the tank dress.

I took a few deep breaths and made myself a snack and considered again going out to the pool. Then I remembered the sounds of OPC and the fact that's I have 3 days to enjoy the pool this weekend and I decided to stay in.

I read. I had another round of snacks and called it dinner. I napped on the couch. For an hour. With a blanket! And because already I'm yawning and ready for bed and it's not even 10, I know I made the right choice.

Good night. Happy weekend.

I Get It... Again

As some of you may know, summer was difficult—especially my last week of vacation. My aunt passed away after a sudden illness. (Rest in peace, Ciocia.) Her wake was Friday; her funeral was Saturday. On Sunday I felt like I got hit by a Mack truck. I could have used another week to recuperate, but alas another week was not to be had.

I started school on Monday. I spent the day in professional development sessions while trying to adjust to the idea of being back at school. I went home and hibernated/hid/avoided everything but Zynga. (See previous post about Zynga being the devil.)

On Tuesday I sweat like I was having hot flashes in hell. And by hell I mean fire and brimstone hell. (This time anyway.) I put up my bulletin boards and got textbooks out of bookshelves and got ready for the first day of kids. Early in the day it rained something fierce; when I left at 3 it was sunny and bright.

Tempted as I was to hide in my air-conditioned house when I got home, I decided instead to get in my bathing suit, grab my book and my beach chair (and maybe a cocktail) and go swimming and sunning instead.

I’m so glad I did. I went right underwater and my body temperature went back to normal. I read some of my book and laughed. Out loud. I enjoyed the surprising strength of the sun in the late afternoon hours, and went in for the day, for dinner, in a good mood.

I set out to make myself a salad, only to find my romaine lettuce had rotted.  But I stayed in a good mood. I doctored (barely) a frozen pizza from Trader Joe’s (for whom my love continues to grow).

I went to bed in a good mood. I woke up in a good mood too.

I get it. I keep having to re-learn it, but I get it. It’s simple enough. I don’t know what clicked to get me there, but it did.

There are things that are not in our control, try as we may. People in our lives will get sick. Some may die before it seems fair.  And there are times in our lives we are given moments we can control, time to spend as we choose. Our task is to choose wisely.

Photo Journal: Sacred Heart

in Boston's North End

A Different Summer

It used to be when the school year ended that I'd settle into a nice summer routine. I'd get up fairly early and check email, maybe pay a bill or two, over my first cup of coffee and move on to writing over my second.  After blogging here and elsewhere, on a sunny day I'd make my way down to the pool. On a rainy day I might stay in and read, maybe tackle a project, or decide to go out for a grown-up lunch.

Not this summer.

I have been sleeping late most mornings,  my snow day project list remains untouched, and I haven't written much here or elsewhere. It's August 9; my last post was July 24! And it was a photo post! (It's been so long I didn't know that Blogger has finally made it easier to post from my iPad.) I probably spend more time playing Words, Hanging and Scramble With Friends than reading and writing combined. (Zynga is the devil.) 

I don't feel particularly refreshed or creative. Instead I'm feeling emotionally exhausted and nowhere near ready to talk about the s word yet, never mind think about going back there.

And that I suppose is is the only thing that remains the same from summer to summer, no matter how I spend my vacation: not being ready to go back.