Sunny San Diego

Pictures from Paradise

Torrey Pines Beach

La Jolla, CA


Orfila Vineyards, Escondido, CA

The Usual

I love where I live. I love the complex, the layout of my loft, and the pool where I spend my summer vacation. I even love my parking spot. The one thing I wish I had was an outdoor grill. I'm allowed to have one, but because I have a second floor unit, it would be inconvenient, so I do without. Since I'm pretty good in the kitchen, for the most part it's easy to make due. But I don't like to do without steak. Despite my Calphalon grill pan and culinary prowess, I just can't make a steak work on my electric range.

I have never been squeamish about eating out by myself. Traveling on business before I was a teacher acclimated me to dining alone and being single for a good part of my adult life kept me in practice, so finding a good steak was as easy as choosing a restaurant. My once occasional red meat cravings led me to Outback, where I knew I could get a reasonable priced and consistently good steak. What came as a bonus was good service and good company. As a result I am a regular. Now when I go out for a steak, I get dinner and conversation, and a few good laughs--especially if Erika and Juli are working.

They are my favorite servers. They know I like the Little Boomey cab, and a little time between my salad and my steak. They know I like the green beans with my steak (sometimes 6 ounce, sometimes 9) and the most I will change up my order is to skip the salad and get garlic mashed potatoes with my sirloin (cooked medium) instead. Just as I can count on Juli asking, “the uzh?” (or however one would phonetically spell the first syllable of usual as it’s pronounced) I know that Erika will come over after my meal with a devilish grin to see if I’ll be tempted into a dessert martini that she is happy to shake up.

What I like more than their knowing what I like to eat and drink and at what pace is that they are friendly and fun and easy to talk to. They chat with me if they have time in between customers and we all know details of each other’s lives. They are good people. I like them. And they make me like being a regular.

Even if I got a grill, or for some unforeseen and godforsaken reason I gave up red meat, I’d still go Outback for what’s not offered on their menu, but is as comforting as a good meal. Friendship.

Connections

Several years ago I went to a writers' workshop--an adult writers' camp, if you will--for a week. I submitted a manuscript, one of the first iterations of the first chapter of my novel, and was assigned a teacher.

I became weightless for weeks, perhaps months. Not only was the writers' workshop held at Simmons College, my alma mater, where I was clearly comfortable, but also I would have an opportunity learn from Elinor Lipman, a sister Simmons alumna, who was my favorite author. Before I even packed my bag, I was sure I would have another reason to be grateful for Simmons College, something else to add to my list of How Simmons Changed My Life.

Indeed, "writers' camp" turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life. Every evening we read fellow classmates' manuscripts and the next morning critiqued them. We participated in writing exercises and spent our afternoons rapt while editors and publishers spoke to us. And if this entry were about the New England Writers' Workshop, I could tell you how nervous I was when my classmates critiqued my work, how I felt when I left, but it is not.

Rather, it's about time and friendship.

While at camp, I became friends with another writer, close to my age. I must say that I have never had much trouble making friends, but Kim and I really clicked. Although I am older than Kim, both of us were younger than others in our class, so we pal-ed around all week and exchanged emails when we left and kept in touch. After camp we shared drafts of pieces we wrote and even got together in DC for lunch, where she lives, while I was visiting Deanna in Baltimore.

Then, as often happens, we lost touch.

Until today.

I do not share a hometown with Kim or a vomiting episode at a basketball game in high school; I share with her a passion. We became friends because we love writing, and because we were both brave enough to put our words on paper and let strangers read them. And even though it has been some time since we communicated, it made me smile to see her name in my email in-box today.

I'm not even mad that she mentioned it's actually been 13 years since our camp experience.

Social Justice

It's 5:45 am. I normally do not concern myself at this time of the morning with anything other than watching the morning news while giving my hair a little time to air dry and getting a good dose of caffeine running through my bloodstream so that my eyes are actually open when I put my mascara on my eyelashes. I will admit that my coffee is a bit strong (and particularly good) this morning, but it is not the reason I am writing.

Today at work I have to talk to the principal (some days being a teacher feels an awful lot like being a student) about an important matter. Without getting into more detail than would be appropriate, he came to me on Friday and essentially told me that I may need to make an exception about a matter. That is, he’s really making this exception. What he doesn't understand, in his haste to make this executive decision in order to please one student and one set of parents, is that it will open a can of worms and have far-reaching consequences. I'm not as into politicking as I am doing the right thing.

I am a big picture thinker so I am thinking of all those kids for whom an exception has not been made, and it's frankly just not fair. Or right. As my friend Deanna joked, “You? Miss Social Justice?” Add to that the fact that he just kind of came in and usurped my authority on this matter and it gets to my core. For good measure, throw in a third piece to this tricky puzzle: my passion. I stand up for myself and my beliefs and it’s not always easy to keep my cool. But today I have to.

As much as his unwelcome and unannounced Friday afternoon visit ruined a part of my Friday and occupied my mind for much of the weekend, I now see the timing was advantageous to me. I absolutely cannot walk in and say Are you out of your effin' mind? or anything else peppered with expletives, as would be natural for me and as I wanted to Friday. (Come to think of it, delayed kudos to me for not blowing a gasket on Friday!) Over the weekend I had the opportunity to seek the counsel of good friends. I was able to vent and seek their advice. Venting was good for...well...venting, blowing off steam so I can keep the expletives in that cartoon bubble I walk with above my head so often at school. (student: Did we do anything yesterday? my cartoon bubble: No, we decided that since you weren't here it wasn't worth learning anything.) Their advice helped ground me. I took notes and think I can be focused and rational and professional.

So often I live my life according to the bumper sticker: Well-behaved women rarely make history. Today my challenge will be to disagree without being disagreeable. I'll let you know how I fare.

PS I kept my cool. I did some homework, so to speak, consulted other faculty to make sure I knew what I was talking about. (That would at least make one of us! (meow)) I brought notes and I argued on my own behalf and the other teachers who would be affected and should have been consulted. Perhaps more importantly, I argued--without raising my voice--on behalf of the kids who'd be cheated by the provision he, on Friday, told me I might have to make for this one particular student. There will be no exception.

Now give me back my bumper sticker.

My Favorite Flowers

Alstromeria

Today is a beautiful early spring day in southern New England. It is sunny and 60 and full of promise--a day that begs you to come outside to play, or open the windows and blinds to let it inside and mingle. It asks you to turn off the TV and put a little jazz on the stereo, or something else without lyrics, and with beautiful flowers like these on the table, it transforms cleaning from chore to celebration. It encourages you to fill your grocery cart with fresh fruits and vegetables, and eat something entirely from the earth. It gives me permission to burn lilac candles again, and it whispers in my ear, only three more months until summer vacation....

The Joy of Cooking

I think I've made it clear that food is one of my favorite things. Arugula, pork products, a good sandwich, Bugles, Girl Scout cookies? I love them all...But it's not just the food itself I am drawn to, it is also the experience, and I've talked a little about that here, too. The plate and the plating, the smells and color and textures can make an experience, even if I'm alone. Add scenery or put me at an outdoor cafe--on Newbury Street in Boston, overlooking the Pacific Ocean in La Jolla, in a piazza in Florence, a garden restaurant in Rome (see photo), and the food tastes different. Add good company to the mix, and an outstanding meal is bound to make my ever-changing top ten list--with or without ambience.

Eating last January with Deanna, a great friend, at Dogwood--a great restaurant in Baltimore that partners with a culinary institute that works with those recovering from addiction, homelessness, and incarceration--comes to mind. Recently, escargo and burgers at a local Madison pub, (Lynch and) Malone's, with my sister Liz and friend Mary G before heading off to hear Jodi Picoult really hit the spot. And how could I forget that delicious dinner at The Lobster Pot in Provincetown with Jill, so many moons ago?

Yet sometimes for me the experience that elevates food comes before I sit down to eat it. It comes in preparing it myself. From finding the best, freshest heads of broccoli at the supermarket to getting it home and steaming it to its brightest green hue--all are a part of the experience. I love cooking. It's in our nature to be creative and I love the creative escape of cooking. Some people tend gorgeous gardens, others knit or crochet, some scrapbook. I like to cook. We all like to make nice things. Being creative makes us feel accomplished and contented. I love creating meals that delight, making something for myself, or friends, or both. Cooking makes me feel good.

So many days at school, despite my best efforts to update my arsenal of pop culture references, to create new lessons and curriculum materials, and to be as energetic as was natural when I was in my twenties, I leave deflated, frustrated, not knowing if I got through and understanding that if I did, I might never find out. The other day I had a particularly bad day at school, having spent the last two hours of my day in Bio lab with the most immature 15/16 year olds on the planet. That day it was even more important for me to make something nice, create something good. So I turned to the kitchen and my creative abilities to feel better.

Lucky me, I had fresh arugula on hand...as well as other favorite ingredients: mahi mahi and fresh lemons, good olive oil, capers and pasta. So when I got home I got busy in the kitchen and made this wonderful dish that made me feel better. I tossed some arugula in lemon juice and olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper, and filled the bottom of my dish. On top I put a serving of pasta, also tossed with olive oil and lemon juice and topped it all with the mahi mahi that I seasoned with salt and pepper and seared and cooked in a hot pan with olive oil and a little piccata sauce. It was delicious. Three bites in, I mixed the arugula and pasta. After the fourth bite I took a picture. It looked and tasted good; it changed my mindset.

Cooking and eating dinner made me forget that I spent the better part of my day spitting in the wind. It enabled me to spend my evening and end my day satsified with my creation, my very own spring in a dish.

Balance

In life there are two kinds of lessons: those we learn that stay with us forever, e.g., put your hand on a red hot stove and it will burn, and those we learn and re-learn ad nauseum. Over and over. We learn and we forget. What is consistent is our need to relearn the lesson. Why we forget, or ignore, is varied.

Perhaps the initial incentive is gone. I think of women, who post Barbie wedding quickly find the weight they lost when they were starving themselves and driving everyone crazy while belaboring details of the big day. (I'm not judging the brides here, just identifying this as a situation of incentive/absence of incentive--although I do find it incredibly sad that society still makes women feel like they are only worthy of a picture book wedding if they're skinny. When I'm feeling particularly feminist, I feel it's incredibly sad that society makes women want a picture perfect wedding at all. But I digress.)

Maybe we learn and decide that something else is more important to keep in mind, ostensibly more pressing in nature, less [insert contemptuous tone] “selfish.” Here I can't help but think of moms who forget how much they enjoyed an occasional massage, or pedicure, or meeting a friend for coffee and who, only on the verge of a nervous breakdown or divorce, and at someone else's urging, find their way back to that weekly Happy Place.

Sometimes it is difficult to stick with a plan, or just plain easier not to. I think we're lazy by nature, or have been encouraged in the last couple of decades to be lazy (please, let me pay 3 times the price for chicken breasts for buying them in pre-portioned packages within a package—NOT!). And we take the easy way out. Take exercise, the bane of my existence, my perpetual lesson. I feel better when I exercise. I know this, but sometimes it is easier and more enticing to sit and wallow--or go out and have fun (read: eat or drink)--then get in workout gear and sweat. So I have stopped and started exercising umpteen times in my adult life.

The good news is sometimes all it takes is for the lessons to be repackaged (there we go again), intentionally or not--just enough to get our attention. I don't have to pay for a gym membership or don spandex and run? I can throw on old sweats and follow along with a DVD in my own living room? Yay! Sometimes we just forget that it felt good to live like you knew the lesson and eventually get to feeling miserable enough to pick up our lesson books again. Or the threat of losing something as with the aforementioned prototype mom--your mind, your partner's attention, the last semblance of your self-respect—can also make us hop into action. Imminent loss works as effectively as the initial incentive to learn it to begin with.

In the end it’s all about balance, keeping ourselves in check, not letting loneliness outweigh self-respect so you find yourself in yet another bad relationship, or not letting drinks at 5 being the only way to unwind, or not letting the only hat you wear have a name tag that says what you do for work (Teacher) or something about your relationship to others (Mom). Relationships, incidentally, are a great conduit for life lessons. Learning to balance our relationships with others and ourselves is, I think, the task at hand. Having an awareness of ourselves and a happy relationship with that person is vital. Every wellness wheel I’ve ever seen is about a balanced self…although, come to think of it, I haven’t seen any since the early 90s when I worked in higher education and had big bangs and sprayed my hair out over my ears (think broadcaster’s bob). But I’m digressing again.

Anyway, this is exactly why moms should sit over coffee or get their toes painted--or both, and why those of us who love to eat and drink should exercise. It’s why those of us in love with the wrong person should fall in love with ourselves first, and may be surprised to be led to the right person as a result. It’s why those of us who aren't in love with our jobs should fall in love with something else and put some energy there, to create something good, and not give all our energy and time to that thing that pays the bills and elevates our blood pressures.

Suddenly it occurs to me, if the lesson is indeed balance, then maybe the goal is happiness. Love and happiness.